The Parable of the Western New Yorkers and the Football Team

It was six men of Western New York
In very much a funk,
Who evaluated their Football Team
(Though all of them were drunk),
That each by observation might foresee
The obvious draft pick at number three

The First considered the Football Team,
And its inconsistency scoring points;
“Fitzpatrick for another year?!” he exclaimed,
“That would surely disappoint.
He had a fine year, but he’s a back up at his craft;
A dozen starters since Kelly? We need a quarterback to start this draft!”

The Second, studying the run defense,
Cried, “Whoa! What have we here?
So porous? So disorganized? So slight?
‘Tis boils my blood;
The Football Team’s first-round pick must be a run-stuffing defensive stud!”

The Third approached the Football Team,
And considered the O-Line gang
Bell, Wood, Levitre, Hangartner (and don’t forget the missing Wang)
“I see,” quoth he, “the Football Team Needs protection on the Line!”
Then, to emphasize, he boldly spake:
“I mean, come on, give me a freaking break!”

The Fourth reached for his stat sheet,
And ran down the Wide Receiver list.
“Evans is done, Johnson drops,
The rest make me quite pissed.”
Quoth he; ‘Tis clear enough the first pick
Should be a top Receiver…do it now, do it quick!”

The Fifth chanced to recall,
When the Football Team had big, strong guys
To whom to dump the ball;
“Remember Pete Metzelaars? Remember Jay Riemersma?
A non-glamorous pick wouldn’t offend;
At some point in this draft, perhaps up top, we need a new Tight End”

The Sixth wasn’t focused on the players,
He had a different take
He focused on the management team,
And especially Tom Modrak,
“We can’t fire Wilson,” quoth he, “And I like good ol’ Chan Gailey.
But we can hire a new head of scouting
Or this April, we’ll all be pouting!”

And so these men of Western New York
Disputed loud and long,
Each in his own opinion
Exceeding stiff and strong,
Though each was partly in the right,
And all were…no, none of them was wrong!

Moral:

In the imminent Football draft pick wars,
The disputants, with their bag of tricks,
Will rail on in utter ignorance
Of how to persuade Buddy Nix,
And prate about the most pressing need of a Football Team
That, sadly and tragically, has no single fix!

I was actually going to write a somewhat upbeat column, but this was much more fun.
I’m with the Second, by the way.
Have a great off-season, everyone!

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